04.01.2026
Mayor Sean Ryan announced today that the residents of Buffalo and western New York will benefit from the arrival of a new golf space. On the heels of the Ralph Wilson Centennial Park project, Ryan announced four finalists for the location of a new golf space. “It’s time to bring more green space to our urban home, and what better way to do it than golf?” the mayor is rumored to have muttered.
During the 2010s, an effort was made to replace one of south Buffalo’s brownfields with a nine-hole golf course, That course would have taken the place of the South Park course, keeping city golf holes at 36. The other city golf properties are Cazenovia (also 9 holes) and Delaware (18 holes) Park Meadows. The new project has a 75% chance of increasing golf holes within city limits.
Three of the four projects would replace current spaces with a nine-hole golf course. The boldest choice would rest immediately outside the mayor’s office. Niagara Square National is the working title for a spectacularly-circular design that moves within the confines of Buffalo’s governmental and judicial hub. “Let’s face it: politicos and lawyers are always taking time off to go golf. Why not put it within reach?” are the words that someone overheard, from someone who bore at least a slight resemblance to Mayor Ryan.
The second course proposal promises to be the most controversial. Thousands of residents of Buffalo’s Forest Lawn Cemetary will be relocated to a new home. “They’ve had a good run there, in the ground, in their afterlife. That’s some heaving, tumbling land, and what better to put on heaving, tumbling land, than a golf course?” These notions are the considerations of one Milfred “Mo” Golf who, like Mayor Ryan, is a human being.
Next up for consideration, across the S Curves from Forest Lawn, is the trace of property that surrounds Hoyt Lake. “I love that lake. I love the paddle boats and the restaurant, but I think that it needs more. It needs some cotton-candy trees, pink marsmallow clouds … and a golf course.” This revelation came from Ozmandius Leprechaun, Mayor Ryan’s public relations manager, while entering the throes of deep sedation for root canal surgery.
The fourth proposal would not be a golf course, but would relieve Buffalo of its greatest urban blight: the Main Place Mall. Buffalo will finally get its domed stadium, but it won’t be for American football. Instead, a retractable roof will shield the new Main Place Range from the elements of bad weather season. Once the weather breaks, the roof will pull back, and golfers will be free to practice their short, long, and in-between games. “Our thinking is that we will have lots of food carts in a central terminal, paired with a few kiosks selling gear and apparel. In essence, a mini-mall and a maxi-range.” In all honesty, adhering to journalistic standards, we cannot find anyone to whom to attribute those considerations.
One way or another, or another, or another, Buffalo will get its Golf Space, and soon. It might even be the biggest dream of all, a links that sits on Cheerios Island, over the iron bridges, along the Buffalo River. Why not dream big, on today of all days? This makes us HAF…Happy as F…? No, Happy April Fools.
