In keeping with its tradition of Tuesday news dumps, the Ausgasta National golf club has announced a collaboration with the United Slates Golf Association (us.ga) to collaborate on their major events during the shortened professional golf season of 2020. The two organizations will combine forces to generate the first (and possibly, only) Open Masters tournament. The event will count as both a US Open and Masters championship, making it the first major title of its kind to have bogo value in the history books.
“It was decided that the impact of illness on our world was so potent, that there would be no way to effectively conduct both of our important, professional male golf events.” Emanating from Ausgasta National chairman Hord Fay-Davis, the words suggested that both bodies had thrown in the towel on bumping an already-scheduled event from its pre-arranged slot on the PGA Tour schedule. “Even though neither of us is officially affiliated with the PGA Tour, we presumed that the elite stature of our events would automatically resonate with the PGA Tour, and that they would destroy the hopes and dreams of communities, organizers, volunteers, charities and businesses, that had planned for an entire year to prepare an event. We thought wrong.”
Ausgasta National chairman Fred Hardin-Dey chimed in with thoughts of his own: “Our traditional competition is an invitational, while the us.ga conducts two strata of public qualifying for its premier event. As such, we needed to align our processes, to avoid the appearances of confusion and disconnect. The Open Masters will be neither open nor masterful, but in the words of the bard Aekon, #StillCounts.” At last word, the hashtage #StillCounts was trending favorably on social media.
In order to conduct the event properly, two courses will be utilized for the first time in either event’s history. Fay-Davis-Hordin-Dey (one of them, we think; perhaps both simultaneously) related “The Ausgasta National borders the Ausgata Country Club, a timeless Donald Ross, jr. design. Unlike our course, which has undergone more plastic surgery than … well, all people who like plastic surgery combined, the ACC is true to its heritage. This makes it the perfect us.ga open venue. We will conduct 2 rounds over each course, with the winner being declared a double major winner.”
Jack Nicklaus, who stands to lose the most, should Tiger Woods win the event and jump from 15 to 17 major professional titles, was unavailable for comment. Woods also refrained from issuing a statement, although he was seen dancing a jig, smiling from earlobe to earlobe.
No, you won’t see the Open Masters in 2020, or any other year. Happy April Fools’ Day, everyone. Keep smiling from earlobe to earlobe.