The compilation of tweets, updates, email blasts and other marketing ploys I’ve seen in the last weeks brought me to this line of thinking: what won’t the P.R. departments be running as the year comes to a close? We have an April Fools day in about five months, but what about a December Realists day? Someone seems to always be on the topic of group-speak and league policy, and its stifling effect on the honest responses of yore and yesteryear. If mirth is your bag, this piece ought to satisfy the urge.
Golf Company Not Happy With Product
Taylikenet, the number-one selling equipment company and favorite choice of touring professionals across the globe, revealed to its shareholders today that its latest line of clubs is not up to standard. “If you want to know the truth, it’s absolute crap,” commented Elihu Spaulding, chief executive office of the once-invulnerable company. “If you imagine a 90-year old hickory shaft that’s sat in the desert sun for 100 years, then been used as a marshmallow spit over a roaring bonfire, you begin to approach the worthlessness of these clubs.” Taylikenet has the largest payroll in the golf industry, employing more R&D fellows than the combined forces of all its competitors. How, then, to explain the gaffe? “I don’t honestly know,” continued Spaulding. “I suspect that no one did
shit this year to further the goals of the company. None of our well-paid touring pros had any input, nor did our engineers see fit to ask even the simplest question of them. I’m not completely certain that I know the goals of the company, beyond making money by separating you the customer from every last penny in his or her pocket.” At this point, the presser came to an abrupt and unforeseen conclusion.
Apparel Company Admits That “Turn-On” Was Its Prime Motivator
Klang, the footwear and apparel company that rocked the golf and pop culture worlds with its sequence of sequins and smash hits, revealed that a simple, animalistic turn-on was its sole target in 2013. “In the end, we’re only human. And humans share one thing across the grand sweep of the universe, and that’s
sex procreation. We need to replace ourselves genetically, and let’s be honest, it’s fun to do so.” It’s uncertain to whom the quote should be attributed, as the press conference consisted of 8 to 10 twenty-something men high-fiveing and butt-slapping each other. “We created a line of women’s apparel that showed off every asset a woman has. Seriously, the only hot girls on the golf course are the cart ladies and the maintenance staff. Women’s golf fashion rivaled religious habits for its ability to turn brahs off. We saw fit to alter that scope and sequence…with sequins.” This time, the anonymous speaker was nearly identified by voice-recognition software, until the computer concluded that all brahs speak alike and are virtually indistinguishable from each other.
Nesting Mountain Gorge River Landing Oaks at Versailles, the famous Coore Gil-Raynor that shot to the top of the rankings before the land on which it sits even existed, is not suggestively a club that runs itself, but is so in reality. Club manager Stiffy Bottom-Belle had this to say about the surprising and unexpected revelation: “You have to take into account that the owner is an absentee, trust-fund brat who never sees fit to cross state lines and visit the property. As such, the trickle down effect of disinterest seeped into every facet of the operation. The catering staff simply dumpster-dives for food, keeping prices down. The grounds crew spends its salary on smokeable florabunda and rarely overseeds, underseeds, fertilizes or waters. This keeps costs low and also keeps the course fast and firm for those neo-traditionalists who love to lord their roots attitude over anyone who expresses admiration for the color green.” Mr. Gil-Raynor, grandson of the famous, golden-age architect MacDonald Moss-Rackenzie, confessed that the disinterest had kudzued its way into his business practices as well. “We take a ruler and draw line segments, with a box at one end and a circle at the other. It’s not any type of science, but don’t let the cat out of the bag. Sometimes we make curvy things and sandy things, but beyond that, not much.”
Varsity Golf Team Confesses Multi-Year Charade
The Washington Jefferson O’Bama high school varsity golf squad was stripped of five consecutive league titles after admitting it had fooled its coach, four-time state coach of the year Divot McFroghair, and turned in altered score cards. “Honestly, we didn’t want to work like the X-Country and Field Hockey dudes do, so we came out for golf. Coach took us on trust and honor, since it’s supposedly one of the tenets of the game, whatever those are. I mean, guy, really! It’s called a game, not a sport. What do you expect?” Those words, uttered by team captain Milquetoast Simper, drove a stake through the heart of Coach McFroghair, who was airlifted to a local hospital. “Some teams haze, others hot box, we decided to chill and cheat,” continued Simper. “When I was a frosh, the captain told us that tradition was the only word that mattered at WJO high. I guess tradition somehow became artistic rendering of quality golf scores. Dude, if McFrog had even paid attention, he’d have realized we sucked. We were like a drill team, marching back and forth across the fairways and, I’ll be honest, not very quickly.” When asked how the team had continued to win, Simper gave up the haunting secret: Combos. “We brought bags of them to each match. The other guys figure, fair trade. Not like they thought it was a sport, either. Just a way to stay out of gym class. As for me, I’ve got no ragrets.” No word yet on what action, if any, will be taken in regards to Coach McFroghair’s coach of the year awards.