It was announced this morning that the Goat Island state park will cease to function as a place of public touring, and will surrender all lands, buildings and equipment, to the entity known heretofore as Goat Island Golfing Links, or GIGL for short. A press conference was held at 9 am, at the base of the Nikola Tesla stature, at Stedman’s Bluff (the northwestern-most point on the island.) There, the transfer of all property to the GIGL was confirmed. A formal statement was issued there by the trees, the birds, and the bees:

“Since its establishment as island and divider of waterfalls, during the most recent retreat of the Niagara Falls, Goat Island has been public property. Although John Stedman was known to keep his goats there, shortly after the American Revolution, he generously laid no personal claim to the terrain.” 

After use as a touring estate for for over 150 years, Goat Island witnessed the destruction of one mainland bridge by ice, as well as the stoppage of the great waters to the west for precipice restoration. Recently, renowned golf course architect Alister Doak-Crenshaw walked the island’s acreage. He discovered a diverse flora, owed in part to the constant misting of the land by the waterfalls. No swimming pools, tennis courts, nor other distractions will be situated on the grounds of the GIGL. This shall be a public golfer’s retreat.

One interesting exception to the rule will be allowed by GIGL. A tightrope will be connected between the top of the Tesla statue, to the Table Rock  site where Nik Wallenda concluded his 2012 traversal of the Horseshoe Falls. “We were teased a bit in 2005, when John Daly attempted to drive the void, teeing off on Table Rock (Ontario), in an attempt to reach Terrapin Point (USA.) It was fitting that Mr. Wallenda succeeded by reversing the trajectory, essentially heading down wind, something that all golfers love.”

“One of the things I love about golf, is its Scottish heritage. The GIGL will be termed a Roaring Links, as it will be the first course in the world to feature, on all sides, a turbulent, stormy river. That it will lie, essentially, in international waters, will add to its uniqueness. Public-access golfers are in for a treat.”  

Groundbreaking on phase one of the GIGL is scheduled for April 1st, 2021. Phase two (the tightrope) plans to reach conclusion by April 1st, 2022. It is hoped that Nik Wallenda and John Daly will return to christen the Roaring GIGL.   

Sorry to break hearts today, but Happy April Fools’ Day, everyone. Goat Island shall remain a nature preserve, open to all. Keep smiling through these times.