The golf world was shocked to learn Friday that a global golf conspiracy was behind the ban on long putters. Numerous officials from golf’s ruling bodies were taken into custody this first of April, 2016, after their respective parts in what was termed the Scott Cabal came to light. In 2013, Scott confirmed his place as an elite golfer when he dispatched Angel Cabrera in a playoff and claimed a green jacket at Augusta’s Masters tournament. Shortly thereafter, in a dimly-lit ally in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, a clandestine coterie of the planet’s golf brass assembled to discuss how awkward the man-hunk Scott looked when wielding the broom. Under the condition of anonymity, a member of the USRAGA executive committee revealed

We needed a new hunka-hunka burning love to keep people interested. Tiger’s going bald, Fred’s old, Rory and Rickie-who knows what’s going on with their hair? Adam Scott was the guy, but good lord, he was always using that pool cue as a crutch! He wasn’t macho enough, so we invented a reason to ban it and restore him to his proper place as golf’s man-candy.

Images below seem to support the USRAGA’s assertion, as Scott seems to use his putter in a variety of manners to say vertical. Or he was pole dancing. Or he was hunting Easter eggs. Or doing modified squats. It’s hard to tell. It all seems so random.

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Dateline April 1st, 2016, 10 AM EST