I too hate cameras.
That’s probably what I’d open with if Tiger Woods ever granted me a chance to interview for the position of his new caddy. I’d tell him that I too hate being photographed. I shudder whenever I hear a camera shutter. I too offer a glare whenever I see a flash.
I’d just want Tiger to know if anyone ever fired off a photo during his backswing, I’d be up for breaking the camera. I’d toss it in the nearest water hazard. I’d smash it with a four iron. I’d toss it aside and let Adam Scott pick it up.
Let’s be honest, anyone who caddies for Tiger Woods also doubles as security and crowd control. Tiger’s game has waned, but millions still ache to see him swing seven irons. Adults are still willing to knock over young children in pursuit of a slightly better view of Tiger’s par putts. People still aren’t afraid to take an ill-advised photo of the greatest golfer we’ve ever seen.
That’s right, I said it. Woods is the greatest golfer ever to live whether he surpasses 18 majors or not. Nobody’s ever been more brilliant than Woods was during the early stretches of his career. The man changed the sport in a way all his predecessors could not. They never Jack-proofed a golf course. And, it’s that greatness that leaves me believing Woods still has a whole bushel of brilliance left in him.
I just want to carry the bag while he reminds everyone else.
Seriously, how am I not qualified? I am fit – ready to walk miles each day carrying Tiger’s bag proudly over my right shoulder. I move fast, fix divots and don’t get offended by the occasional expletive. I’ll also hit decline whenever Charles Barkley calls asking to be your swing coach.
My golf game is downright dreadful, but don’t opposites attract? You read greens, I read Benjamin Percy. You drive the ball 300+ yards and make boatloads of birdies, I simply don’t. You’ll never once hear my say, “Jesus, I could have done better than that Tiger.” Because, I don’t like to tell fibs.
The kind of caddy Tiger needs is the kind that can keep himself out of Tiger’s way. That’s me, man. I’m not a bright lights and attention guy. I’ll know my role and keep my mouth shut. I’ll carry your Nikes on any golf course on any continent at any time. I won’t speak unless spoken to.
Experience? I’ve been carrying my own bag since the day I took up the game and I’ve always thought I did a bang-up job. My bunker raking skills need some work, but I promise to clear that up. I promise to always bring your favorite snacks.
All I’m saying is think about it Tiger. It could be us walking up the fairways together for #15, #16, #17, #18, #19… and who knows how many more. You rocking the red shirt, black pants and “I told you I’d be back,” grin. Me, carrying your bag and applying a third coat of sunscreen to my pale skin.
It would make for a great picture…not that we’d ever let anybody take it.
