Eschewing the tech-forward approach that has characterized its explosive, first decade in the golf ball business, Buffalo, NY-based OnCore Golf revealed a design for a golf ball that would incorporate compounds and materials not seen since the early days of golf. “We took a long look at the direction we were heading, with solid cores and trendy color scripts, and wondered aloud, have we lost our way?” These words opened the 10 am presser offered by one of OnCore’s co-founders, Bret Coulton.

“We went to our local virtual library, and withdrew a few PDFs of the work of Allan Robertson, Old Tom Morris, and Guttenberg Percha. What we came to realize was, their designs were not only technologically deficient in comparison with ours, but they also remained harmonious with nature. I mean, we’re talking goose feathers here!” Unable to contain himself, co-founder Steve Blakely stepped in seemlessly, echoing his partner’s sense of mission.

OnCore Golf currently markets two golf balls: the crAvant (half elitist tie, half golf ball) and the fElixr (half cat, half golf ball) and reports annual sales in the millions of pennies. The company announced plans to suspend development of its Mensa golf ball, a ball with an implanted computer chip, capable of testing above the 98th percentile for intelligent equipment purchases. Instead, it will return to the days of drips from rubber trees, sewn leather pouches, and smooth pebbles found along beaches.

“If this proves to be a viable direction, we will move to a second phase of deconstruction,” revealed Keith Carradine-Blakely, another member of the administrative team. “We will give up all rights to our proprietary URL for the company, pull the plug on our social media feeds, and embrace a Paleo approach to marketing. Trust us when I say, other companies will follow.”

Happy April Fools’ day, everyone. Smile a little more; it will get us through these times.